


Still, I Fell Into Your Poison Paradise

by thegirlwholoveshorror



Series: Don't Stop Smoking And Drinking [9]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Bad Decisions, Bipolar Disorder, Epiphanies, Friendship/Love, M/M, Running in Circles, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-28
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-03-10 07:06:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13497176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegirlwholoveshorror/pseuds/thegirlwholoveshorror
Summary: Jensen's life had been stuck on some kind of broken record for so long: he'd been going in circles again and again and again and again and again... However, times were about to get better! Like a storm clearing away from the land, his gaze would brighten.





	Still, I Fell Into Your Poison Paradise

May 14 2015

Jensen sat, eyes closed, in a bath without bubbles, letting the hot water burn and scald and soothe his skin... as he pondered life...

Water filled the tub around him and spilt over the sides of the bath he was in, but he didn't bother to notice...

It was a strange feeling to be warm like this. It’s not a feeling that he was used to, but he let himself embrace it now as he felt safe to relax and reflect. And just like that, Jensen's thoughts wandered to Jared and the nights they had spent together in 2010 and to the special love of their youth. Jensen could barely remember a time when loving Jared was easy. Somewhere in it, the game had changed, and it seemed like every little part of Jared was different now, whereas every little part of Jensen loved who Jared used to be and hated what Jared had become...

It wasn't something Jensen could understand very well.

And so here goes Jensen's thoughts and insights...

The first time you fall in love, it's a freefall. It's like skydiving. Gravity pulls you down to the ground in such a way that breeds acceleration and you need an opposite force to slow you down or break the momentum: a parachute; without a parachute, you'll most likely be hurt or worse.

Of course, Jensen knows Jared probably better than anyone. He wishes he didn't, but he does. And so, when he found out that Jared was engaged in the summer of 2013 while at NYU, he wasn't surprised, although he was extremely disappointed to find out the news, as he was hoping that Jared would take some time to be alone after his breakup with Sandy to focus on himself mentally... Since knowing him, Jared had only ever rarely been single. Jensen thought that he needed to be alone for at least a while to figure his head out and make himself happy.

Now, in life, you'll learn that, when faced with inner turmoil and personal problems, you have three choices:

1) you take our feelings and shove it in someone else's face;

2) when life gives you pain, you take your pain and push it down;

3) you let go of your negative emotions and just move on.

Jensen's always been the kind of guy to repress his feelings and force his thoughts within so as not to bother anyone, but keeping it all inside and suffering through it just made him suffer more: too scared to talk, too scared to know the reasons why... it was the perfect recipe for disaster.

Alas, truth be told, Jensen didn't think for a second that Jared and Adrianne would ever actually go through with the **wedding**... It just couldn't and wouldn't last. Adrianne was a catch, and Jared... well, Jared was a catch too, but he wasn't the kind of person to be in a loving relationship every second of every day, and his way of life with the army prevented him from ever being truly happy. He was a "no-bullshit", physical kind of guy and he wasn't the kind of person who could just settle down and stay in one place. Like a wild horse, he was strong and independent, and you shouldn't try to hold him back because it went against his very nature of being wild and free. If you tried to make it better in any way, for him _and_ for yourself, you'd only make it worse... Like a Tasmanian devil, he was known to stir the pot and burn everyone in the process, just like _that_.

Jensen found it difficult to talk about Jared's "care-free" attitude though because, _well_ , stunned and speechless, it was this that had drawn him to Jared in the first place and then crippled his mind eventually when he had been forced to endure the backlash of Jared's anger over something so stupid and so petty... But, Jared had been so bubbly, friendly and passionate about life when he had first met him... it just didn't make any sense.

As a young recruit, Jared had had a thirst for success and many natural talents. He was also very warming and had a playful nature. There was a childlike recklessness to Jared... and he was different from anyone else he'd ever known. Plus, he saw in him what he could never be. Like a roaring lion, Jared could defend himself and fight for what he believes in; things that Jensen was starting to appreciate for the first time in his life then, like with the coming of age. And so Jared had made him feel comfortable in such a way that he hadn't thought was possible back then; meeting him was like a wake-up call. Also, Jared was so cute! However, along with Jared's recklessness and passion came his despair, addictions, and loneliness.

Jared was a like a totally destructive storm; something excessive and thus demanding special attention. And that in itself was outside the limits of anything Jensen's ever known. If you weren't careful, you could drown in his despair and ever-growing darkness and embrace his madness.

_Tainted desires._

_Crazy accusations._

_Hurt and pain._

_Desolation._

 

Eventually, Jensen had grown accustomed to the idea of Jared marrying Adrianne. Jared couldn't handle being alone.

And only when he was fully accustomed to it did a weird sensation come to his mind and his being, and it was something new and unfamiliar to him: Jensen appreciated their union. He had come to see that Adrianne was the right person for Jared, and his heart was ready to give Jared away for the first time... Like sand slipping through his hands, all his feelings for Jared were slipping away and fading into nothing...

Jensen remembers the moment when this **realization** overcame him. As soon as it had come though, it was gone, and Jensen was left feeling “empty” —aimless, sunken, numb, unfulfilled, abandoned... And the void inside him was so tangible that it was as if there were another person inside him, emptying out his insides. It was a strange feeling and a rush that is hard to explain. However, the good thing is that his grief was now gone and replaced with peace, acceptance and understanding. He was ready to let go of his broken dreams of _what could have been_...

If Jared was prepared to stop waiting for happiness and just settle down with someone - anyone - for tradition and so as to please his family and army buddies, then there was no better person for it than Adrianne. She was a class act. She was beautiful and sweet and fiercely intelligent as well as successful. Although their union was somewhat of an arrangement, done so they could both gain some kind of prestige and live out the rest of his petty lives together in some kind of grandeur, it remained that they could both handle their own and manage full, successful careers.

It was a great alternative to what could have been: Jared was well taken care of, and Jensen could maybe now move on with his life!

**Author's Note:**

> 'Somewhere **between** love and hate lies confusion, misunderstanding and desperate hope.' ― Shannon L. Alder


End file.
